Rocky Top


A farmer and a corn thief sit across from each other in the former’s backwoods cabin. The thief speaks first.

“Here’s the thing. I’m fucking crazy and you know that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure as shit. Sure enough to wrap these hand cuffs around your neck and choke slam your ass to the ground.”

“You ever sing Rocky Top?”

“Know the lyrics by heart.”

“So if I held a gun to your head you’d be able to sing it without fucking up.”

“Sure as I know that one plus one equals two.”

“Ok.”

The farmer pulls out a sawed off shotgun from his back pocket and touches it to the  thief’s head.

“So what’s one plus one equal?”

“T-t-two.”

“M’k. Now finish the lyric – wish that I was on…”

Silence

“C’mon now you don’t wanna make it that easy on me.”

“O-ole Rocky Top d-down in the T-t-”

“T-t-Tallahassee? Quit stammering.”

“T-Tennessee hills.”

“And where do all the folks get their corn from?”

“‘Sc-‘scuse me?”

“Do they get it from here?”

“What? I guess you’re the biggest farmer in Tenn-”

“Nope.”

The farmer leans down and whispers:

Rocky Top.”

He pulls the trigger on the gun and blood, brains and bits of skull fragment all over the room.

“Once there was a farmer on Ol’ Rocky Top. Killed a corn thief there.

The thief’s corpse reanimates and sits up:

Now he’ll eat corn in the jail before he heads to the executioner’s chair.”

The corpse goes limp again as the farmer drops the gun.

“Ah shit.”

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The Election

Inspired by the profile picture from @DonCheadle.

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“Thank you and remember together we can build a stronger union.” LL Burns spoke from his podium.

A massive applause erupted from the crowd.

“He’s not real! He’s a gremlin!” A student shouted from the south-western corner of the great lawn were the speech was being held.

“And a liar!” Screamed another student protester.

A rift of boos shot at the two students. Two union workers marched them out of the crowd.

“Now now wait a minute. No leave them there don’t take them away.”

The two union groundsmen took their hands off the students.

“It’s come to my attention there is a lot of doubt out there for this campaign…a lot of people saying I’m not who you think I am. Now come on people-am I the most straight talker you’ve ever met or what?”

A chorus of laughter erupted from the crowd.

“There is something-now that we have gotten this far-that I feel like I should mention. Go ahead Judy…let’s show them.”

LL Burns turned around while his stage manager tugged on a skin folding at the center of his neck.  Behind it was a metallic zipper….she unzipped all the way down to the top of his buttocks.

Out stepped a 6 foot tall humanoid Goblin with scaly green skin and a head resembling that of a velociraptor.

“So the students were right but now that’s out in the light let’s see what else we can play with tonight. Judy?”

The stage manager, as well as the rest of the team, stepped out of their human one pieces and joined LL Burns on the stage. They all had the same snarling look on their faces.

“Hunting becomes easier when you bring the food together.”

Before the crowd could react, LL Burns and company jumped from the stage and attacked, brandishing their razor-sharp teeth at the crowd and snapping at small children and babies.

33 individuals had been consumed before the student had his shot. He aimed, pulled and down went LL Burns with a bore through his head.

As soon as the lead creature went down, the others began to sizzle and melt into a heap of green scaly flesh, burning through the ground like hot acid on a hot day.

While the rise of LL Burns took fifteen months, its fall took only fifteen seconds.

 

 

 

Model Behaviour

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Inspired by A MOUNTAIN NEVER MEETS A MOUNTAIN by @dieterrogiers and Lights Out by @ponysmasher.

“One a day, two a day, smoke a whole pack. Don’t make a fuss or your lungs’ll turn black.”

Dimitry quietly sang the song to himself as he flicked the butt of a cigarette onto the ground.

The bar was dusty and had no air conditioner-naturally the best time to smoke a cigarette in the dead heat of August. It’s sketchy location (on an obscure side street near 3rd avenue) and lack of any kind of promotion save for the word “BAR” in neon red letters added to its abandoned quality.

He pulled out another cigarette (his fourth) and brought it to his mouth. He reached down into his pocket for his lighter and glanced at the empty street in front of him.

Is that a glow in the dark mannequin? Don’t see that everyday.

He shrugged his shoulders and lit the Marlboro with his bic before going around the counter and serving himself a Sazerac.

A moment later, the door swung open and a 22 year old girl walked in. She was tall and wore a tattered ‘two sizes too large’ sweatshirt fit for a hobo but on her looked like the latest fashion trend.

“Model?”

“Karina Babic. The Lu Boti`n runway show.”

“You’re in the wrong kind of bar lady.”

“I’ve been banned from all. You have great lights inside.”

“I’d be sleeping if I turned em off. What do you mean?”

“Oh the nightclubs in fashion district. They are too dark for me. You see I was cursed by make up artist Melanie L’Fuarch.”

“I was cursed by my uncle for giving me this bar.”

“So you also change the physical state without light.”

“Do what?”

“Give me double whiskey.”

Dimitry took out another glass, poured the remainder of the cognac and slid it across the counter.

She took a sip and coughed. “Sorry I never drank much – even in Serbia.”

“Ok I’m a little concerned because I’m not sure what you meant by that.”

“It is country in East portion of Europe.”

“No the other thing-did she do a bad job with your hair or something? Because it looks great to me.”

“No…no. Hmmm it’s so hot in here.” She removed the sweatshirt to reveal a slender torso and white semi sheer bra.

Dimitry straightened up and took a slightly larger sip from his drink. “Classy girl for a classy bar.”

“I have curse for 6 months but I miss the men. They see me and they want nothing to do with me.”

“Hard to believe – You’re beautiful.”

“Would you have anything to do with me?”

“What do you think I just said?”

“Can you show me?”

A few moments the two were up against the back wall in the office necking with her hands running through his hair. He shifted and found her lips and kissed her but immediately recoiled.

“You taste strange.”

“Alcohol has a strange reaction in my mouth.”

He shrugged and went back in but before he made contact again he paused.

“Wait.” He turned from her and walked towards the light switch.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

He flipped the switch off and turned back around to face the vacant stare of a glowing blue mannequin with great dark shadows in place of the eyes.

“That’s not normal.”

Like a reanimated corpse, the mannequin moved its mouth and slowly reached for him with dull plastic arms.

“Love me.” It moaned in a desperate and demonic screech.

“What the fuck?”

The shadows were the eyes should have been grew into large painted blotches as the mannequin removed a mail opener from its back pocket.

“Like the others I will kill you then I will use your body to derive my sensual pleasure.”

“You were cuter when you didn’t want to go all necro on me.”

In the speed it took a camera to flash, the mannequin was two inches away from Dimitry with the nail cutter raised high above and glinting in the moonlight.

Dimitry pulled out the bic and lit the mannequins face. He grabbed the Sazerac from the desk and splashed the face where a ball of flames erupted before he dashed out of the backdoor and sprinted one block towards the nearest subway station.

He jumped the turn styles and slid right into the train as it was in the middle of closing its doors.

He sat down in an empty seat and found himself heaving.

Haven’t had water all day and it’s hot as shit. I must have hallucinated that.

He lowered his head and closed his eyes, feeling the natural shake of the train as it moved along.

Suddenly the train stopped and all the lights went out.

Dimitry looked up and saw the dim outline of a pair of legs and a torso wearing a tattered sweatshirt in front of him. He looked up even further and saw Karina holding up his lighter to her face.

“You forgot this.”

“Ha Ha. Where’d you put the mask?”

“I’m dead.”

She blew out the lighter and Dimitry found himself staring at the severely melted remains of a glowing wax face.

 

Telekinesis

Smarty Romano’s keyboard came to life. His eyes grew wide as he concentrated hard on the keys.

PQLEF. They fell into an obsession with him. The keys themselves began to rise from the keyboard. They levitated up to an inch above their place before lowering down again.

Smarty turned around in his seat quickly and looked up at the corner between the wall and the ceiling

Hundreds of thousands of Spiders crawled out from the area. They ran across the walls in rows as people screamed, papers flying through the air as the spiders filled up the room.

“What the hell is going on?” a man yelled at the top of his lungs.

Smarty turned around to the man and looked at him intensely.

The man began to levitate in the air, an expression of pure panic torn across his face.

“Wha-why are you doing this?” his voice continued to rise until it was nothing more than a squeak.

Smarty continued to rise the body high into the air until he heard the sound of a marble on his desk.

He dropped the man and turned around, forcing the marble to levitate up towards the ceiling until finally shattering it when he blacked out.

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